ഞാൻ

വലിച്ചിഴച്ചതും വലിച്ചെറിഞ്ഞതും  ഞാൻ
പിടിച്ചു വെച്ചതും പിരിഞ്ഞു പോയതും ഞാൻ
താരാട്ടായതും തട്ടി വിളിച്ചതും ഞാൻ
വെളിച്ചമായതും വിലാപമായതും ഞാൻ
നിസ്വാർത്ഥ പ്രണയവും നി:സംഗയായതും ഞാൻ
നല്ലതും ഞാൻ നാശവും ഞാൻ 

വെറുതേ ഒരു കവിത...

അറിഞ്ഞുകൊണ്ടകലുന്ന സ്നേഹം
അതിനായി തേങ്ങുന്ന ഹൃദയം
അടുക്കുവാൻ ആകാതെ നമ്മൾ
അലിയുവാൻ വെംബുന്നു തമ്മിൽ

ഇരുട്ടിലെനിക്കായ്‌ നീ വന്നു
വന്നപോൽ എങ്ങോ മറഞ്ഞു
തെളിഞ്ഞതും അണഞ്ഞൊരാ പ്രണയം
ഇനി കണ്ടു മറന്നൊരു സ്വപ്നം

Like

Glance afar

For eternity I long

When the ultimate chariot I board

When my hearts’ song

And rhythm is in discord
I will meet you ashore

Beyond heaven’s door

Where reality ceases to exist
And only hazy dreams persist

The Next One

They had all fallen in love with me,
And me with the ecstasy
I moaned I roared to go on and on
While they pleaded to be set free

Breaths get heavier, sweat drizzle
My fatigued wants still fierce
Never satiated with all they could give
Deeper my clutches pierce

Tigers they self presumed
Did they think I was the prey?
Oblivious to the might of the lamb
They writhed as the peel did fray

Nobody dares for another chance
Pleasure they no more desire
A chance once taken and now aware
Of my awry thirsty fire

I do see fear in the eyes where once
Only lust and greed prevailed
And I go in search of my next one
As one after the other they failed

Cherophobia

To the shores of dismay or get lost in the waves

Into the fierce night or the blinding light

Choices unbound but I need no rescue

I love this ridiculed self that I once tried to fight 

Concealed under the lustrous sepulchre 

Is a melancholic sadistic catacomb

A comfortable hideout I seek for myself

It's here I desire to lie under the tomb

No hope I search for, and help I rebut

Care I loathe and love is hostile

Seep into the depths of this mayhem I long

Let me rest in peace for a while 

പ്രണയം

പ്രണയിച്ചു... ഒരുപാട് പ്രണയിച്ചു. ഒന്നും രണ്ടും അല്ല. ഒരുപാട് തവണ. ഒരുപാട് പേരെ പ്രണയിച്ചു. എല്ലാ പ്രണയവും പൊലിഞ്ഞു. ഹൃദയവും സ്വപ്നങ്ങളും തകര്ന്നു. വിരഹത്തിലും ദുഖത്തിലും വേദനയിലും ഞാൻ അലിഞ്ഞില്ലാതായി. ബാക്കിയായത് ഒന്ന് മാത്രം. ഇനിയും പ്രണയിക്കണം എന്നുള്ള അടങ്ങാത്ത ആഗ്രഹം.

Peace

Before wishing for world peace you must wish for our own peace. This might sound selfish, but it's only when you are peaceful you can  find, see, feel and accept peace around you. If you are not, you will only find hell in heaven. Otherwise it's heaven even in hell.

Addiction

I asked you to quit smoking
You said you would try
You said you would reduce
You said you would do it slowly
But you did not
You are addicted

Now you ask me to forget you
To move on
To not talk of our love
To not be emotional
To be blind against all those wonderful moments we shared
But I can't
I am addicted to you too

The ultimate question

He left her because he found her irritating
He left her because he did not think they were compatible
He left her because he thought she was dumb
He left her because he thought their intellect did not match
He left because he thought she was crazy
He left her because he found her wrong in whatever she did
But not one fault did she find in him
Was it because he was perfect or was it because she loved him over all the imperfections?
Neither him nor her knows the answer to this ultimate question

Birth of the copy writer in me

11:30 AM

My first day at the new office. The office is a small set up with a handful of people. They welcomed me as if into their own family. Being the first day, I have no work to do, or at least nothing until the main person comes in and assigns me some work. So here I am, sitting at my desk, with the laptop on, yet a little bored since I joined with the only aim of keeping myself engaged rather than cluttering my mind with nonsense. Hoping I would be given some work soon. 

To be a little relieved from this nothingness, I went and stood near the window, staring out of it onto the road. The road is deserted for most of the time except for some vehicles passing by, not so frequently. Not even a single human soul on the road. There is a beautiful apartment building adjacent to this office. The first thing I wished was if I could buy a flat in it. God knows if that would ever be possible. Not a dream though. It’s just a wish. Now, what is the difference between a wish and a dream? To me, I wish for a lot of things. But not necessarily with the hope of getting them all done. But dreams are advanced form of wishes. Once I dream of something, I want it fulfilled no matter what, and if not, that makes me very sad from within.

The apartment is painted in red, grey and white, clearly the visualization of someone very creative. The structure is also good to take a look at. By the look of it, all the flats are occupied. The balcony of the first floor displays an array of tiny little baby clothes hung for drying. Some of the balconies are adorned with flowerpots, some has chairs and some are abandoned. 

Not wanting to give a wrong impression to my new colleagues, I reluctantly withdrew into the office room again. The room is now so silent, which is becoming unbearable for me with passing time. It is entirely different from Aol., my previous office, where I have at times coveted one moment of silence due to a lot of energetic activities occurring at the same time. 

I asked for a portfolio of the works done by the agency, just to get familiar with the clients, and the kind of works that are offered to them from our end. There are not many clients, but the ones existing are renowned in the market. I scanned trough the portfolio in less than half an hour and was soon back to my kingdom of boredom. But I can’t complain. I am new. It will take some time for me as well as them to entrust me with some real work as well as some hearty conversations. Until then, I will keep scribbling on this notepad, whatever it is that occurs to me.

                                                                       

                                                                               xxx

  

5:45 PM

15 minutes more until my first day in the office gets over. By noon, the mood of the day took a 180 degree turn. The day as well as the office turned unbelievably lively and active. It became something like a marriage where a lot of aunties get together and where all of them want to talk at the same time and do not have the patience to wait for their turn. Works kept coming to me one after the other. I did not get time to admire the apartment afterwards and I could finally sigh in relief that I won’t have to sit idle ever. Without experience in copy writing, I was a little disappointed with myself thinking I wouldn’t be able to bring out a good performance. But then, I know I need some moulding and crafting just like how my new boss says, and with time, all of us believe I would get better. J

Confused?

I am rooted like a rock
when you call me by my name
awaken from a shock
try to prove i'm not insane

you tell me and I nod
as if 'got it right'
but it's out of mind
soon as you're out of sight

I came to say something
can't recall what it is
and pretend it is as grave
as international peace

yes and that is final
that is my decision
next moment it's changed
the reason being tension

explain things over and over
with umpteen ifs and buts
in loneliness I feel sober
but with people I go nuts

at times so irritating
like an endless traffic jam
at times so sweet and loving
a confused soul that I am

Celebrate life

sync with the nature
your ultimate teacher
fly with the leaves
floating in the breeze
sing with the birds
songs from their worlds
glow with the sun
in life's longer run
drizzle with the rain
letting sorrows drain
roar with the thunder
see happiness surrender
shine with the stars
let go of wounds and scars
sleep with the night
with a mind feather-light
wake with the dawn
let this go on and on

एक पगली की शायरी

किसी को इतना दुखी ना करो
कि उसके दुःख में तुम्हारी
यादें डूब जाये!
किसी को इतना दुखी ना करो
कि सोचे बस तुमको
और दुःख ही दुःख वो पाये!!  

अश्क

हम मैं तुम नहीं
तो हम हम नहीं
आँखों में नमी
दर्दें कम नहीं

Time's Layer

        Time heals all wounds, they say. I say, not. Does time really heal? I am not talking about literal, physical wounds here. But those caused to your feelings. Those which stirred your emotions. Those caused to you by someone who you never expected would do it to you. Does time really heal? Have you thought about it deeply? Well, I have and I have come to conclude that time doesn't heal. It only creates a layer over the wound. It helps the pain diminish, but not vanish. And beneath the layer, the wound remains hidden, even from the injured. The wound is hidden util the real healing takes place. The real healing?

        To explain this a little clearer, let me put this across through an example. Suppose you had a close friend. Both of you were like one soul in two bodies. The friend deceives you. You are broken into a hundred pieces as a result of the friend's actions. The friend falls out and doesn't get back to you. Your feelings are hurt. You are wounded. Time flows. The same time that has created a layer over your wound. The same time that has kept your friend, or the incident away from your memories. One fine day, you come across something related to that friend and your friendship. All what you haven't been thinking about for quiet a long time rushes back to you. The memories rush back to you. You recall the friend and the incident that has turned you either bitter or indifferent towards your long forgotten friend. Tell me if I am wrong, but you still feel at least the pin-prick of a pain in the wound hidden by the time's layer. Time has failed to heal.

       Now, time has flown again. The wound is again covered by the time's layer. On your 25th birthday, you open your Facebook account. You find two friend requests, eight messages and 53 notifications. As a habit, you click on the notifications first. It's all about people wishing you birthday on your timeline, the photos you have been tagged in and some stupid game invitations. Your pointer moves towards the friend requests. One is an unknown guy with one mutual friend. The profile picture shows him looking away from the camera as if he is unaware of the photo being clicked. But it clearly is a selfie. You click on ignore and look at the next request. The profile picture shows a cute little baby sitting on a giant flower. The name makes your heart skip a beat and causes a lump in your throat. You look at it in disbelief. It is the same friend. The pain returns. See, time has still not been successful in healing. You are confused now. You do not know whether to accept or reject the request. You stare at it for what seems like an hour, but in reality just two minutes. The pointer moves towards ignore, but you sigh and do nothing about it. You move on to the messages. One but all are wishes from close friends and relatives. What about 'that' one? As you, the reader have guessed it right, it is a message from the friend. What does it say? Well, you read the message that goes:

      "My dear, how are you? It's been really long time. Hope you still remember me. I know it is hard to forget. Hard to forget whatever I have done to you. I have hurt you a lot. I have realized my mistake. I realize what I have lost. You were my bestest friend for five long years. And then, I don't know what had gotten into me. Everyday I curse that stupid moment when I acted weird. I regret what I have done to you. I am really sorry dear. I don't even have the right to apologize. And I know it's hard to forgive. Still, I am sorry. If you ever think we could be friends again, kindly accept my friend request. Wish you a very happy birthday"

      There it ends. You are shocked by what you have just read. A gush of emotions thrusting from the gut choke you. You feel angry, happy and sad, all at the same time. You want to scream at your friend for all these years of agony. You want to hug the friend tight at the same time. Your anger wants to reject the friend request. But deep inside you have not enough words to thank God. You are grateful to yourself for not having ignored the request. You accept the request and think of all the beautiful words you could gather to reply to your friend.

      Let us leave the story there and cut to the chase. Yes. Time doesn't get credits for healing, it goes to the few regretful, guilt smeared words of the person who has caused the wounds coming from the bottom of his/her heart, the essence of repentance that you can sense when the person apologizes with head hung down. That's the moment when the wound heals. No matter how long it takes.

       There are two kinds of people. One, who still feels hatred towards the person and the other whose heart melts. The wound is healed for both of them with the only difference being, the former feels a sense of revengeful happiness and the latter feels the rush of compassion. And not to disappoint some of you, there is also a third category who is just so emotionless as for all the apologies to leave them all the more indifferent.

       Let's not dismay the 'TIME' factor by totally disregarding it. Well, time does play an important role. The question is how? Well, it is the time that has stimulated that change in your friend which has made the person regret and apologize. Thus I conclude that time doesn't really heal any wound. Rather, it becomes a factor in an indirect way. True or not?

Unveil

I have a mystery person in my life. A person whom I have never seen or heard in flesh and blood. But someone who I have heard a lot about and seen a lot about. Someone whose thoughts make me feel that I have known the person so closely and is so much close to my heart. Towards whom I have a tender feeling and lots of respect. I yearn to know the person well, to get close, to talk, to be friends, to laugh with, to cry with, to have sleepovers, to go to movies together, to go shopping together, to crack stupid jokes together, and to share every secret. I wish to unveil this mystery person to myself for more than a thousand reasons. Hoping the day is not far. But I wouldn't complain if it never happens. Because, even being a mystery that person tends to make me happy, sad, jealous, peaceful, hysterical, passionate, all of this at the same time. And let me add, my mystery person is a SHE. 

A new lesson learnt

People might not believe me when I say this but I am really loving this phase. I am loving being alone. The lesser I see people, the happier I am. The lesser I talk, the more peaceful I am. Though it's quiet sad that I have transformed from a person very talkative to one who finds solace in solitude, it also makes me realize how dependent I was. I always needed someone by my side. A shoulder to lean on, a hand to hold on to and a heart to love me. But now, I don't need anyone. I am self sufficient. I enjoy the company of myself. And trust me, it's heavenly. You do what you want and stay how you want. You are not answerable to anyone until you are not hurting anyone. I have learnt an important lesson. Life is wonderful when you actually don't have anyone to care for you or love you. But only when you have accepted the fact that you can be on your own and you love that phase. And when you have really attained it, believe me, nobody can hurt you.

Last hope dies

And here I lay
Beneath the hopes in heap
Tormented by memories
Tortured so deep
Past has the claws of an eagle
Future, the eyes of a wolf
Days loom over my solitude
And nights ready to engulf
I suffocate, I scream
While the world laughs at me
Vanishing in the void I see
Are my prayers to be set free
And here I lay
Beneath the indifferent sky
Knowing I'll perish very soon
I kill my wish to try

The Journey Called Life

This journey is a mixture of emotions and feelings to explain which, I don't have words. Journeys always have a story to tell or a lesson to teach. There is always something or someone you leave behind or something or someone waiting for you at the destination. Some journeys are just a way to escape the reality. Like the one I am traversing right now. A journey can teach you patience, compassion, sharing, to be friendly, observation etc. For me it is the lesson of acceptance. Accept everything from the fact that your much sought after window seat belongs to someone else, to the fact that to be with the person you love is not your choice. To get away from the mundane hours, I have left my mind idling amid the alley of disconnected thoughts. Even Metallica's Nothing Else Matters seems a bunch of meaningless words blaring through the ear phones. I would say that all journeys carry an element of uncertainty. You have no idea what could happen along the way. You don't even know if you would ever reach the destination. There is almost no difference between this journey that I am on and my journey called life except that here I know my destination. When it comes to life, I am totally clueless of the destination and leave it to destiny. I am left with no option but wait and watch. While I continue to do it just as how I have been doing since the last couple of months, I am subconsciously aware that the song has changed to They Were All Yellow. Be it Yellow or Red or Blue, my only concern is how long will I be able to savor it... The journey called life. Nothing else matters...

Bad to Bad

Life that revolves around love
That special one at its center
Then it’s the debris after a quake
And that someone, the epicenter
Life and love, roses and thorns
You never know until they prick
It’s all so fun and joy till the end,
After which, you are eccentric.
Heed to me, be selfish
There is none you can rely here
All are sweet for their own good
No one who you can call dear
Lessons are to be learnt
Pain has to be felt
Good to the good, bad to the bad
That’s how life is to be dealt

Philosophy

I hate philosophy. Those are meant to be written by great people and read by hopeless people. Here great stands for those renowned for their words of wisdom, more than half of which cannot be fathomed by more than half of the readers. And hopeless people stands for people who have lost all their hopes. This doesn't mean I am full of hope. No. On the other hand most of the time I am at the verge of falling apart and sometimes I even do. But even at the hour or utmost despair, not once I have been able to read philosophy. It sorts of repels when I am around. I would rather prefer to listen to a close friend who would crack a stupid joke to make me smile. It's not as if I haven't tried. But all kinds of philosophical books tempt me to dump them back two or three pages down the book. Is it really necessary for a third person to teach us the lessons of life? Don't we have enough of them already? Or do they help us get out of our dismay? If that's the case how does the author know what we are going through? We might very well relate to the emotions but isn't it different for each one of us how we deal with them? I really don't get it. I do understand that philosophy is not meant only for the sad times. But thinking of reading it while happy is out of question. Whatever be the case, I really appreciate people who can actually read philosophy, book to book, page to page, line to line and word to word.